Churlish Cheetah

Entry: Daley_Files_009
Date: Wednesday
Location: [REDACTED]
Name: Austen Payne

Subject: Churlish Cheetah

Well, someone’s been using the thesaurus. I thought I was exempt from this, but apparently not. Okay, kids, gather ‘round. It’s storytime. Once upon a time, there was a very clever, very handsome young cheetah Therian, whose whole life changed when he stole some big jaguar Therian dude’s wallet. 

This guy was huge, way bigger than the little cheetah Therian and he was sexy as f–, um, he was good-looking. And yes, I can think this dude was good-looking and still have the hots for my boyfriend, so stop being so judgy-judgy. Anyway, so he stole this dude’s wallet, and something happened that had never happened before. The guy caught the little cheetah Therian and then bought him pizza. Who does that? Then some jerks came in and tried to rob the place. Naturally, the jaguar Therian, being the badass he was, kicked those dudes’ asses. 

That’s when the THIRDS showed up, and the cheetah Therian thought, “Hey, I want to be a badass THIRDS agent! And tall.” Well, the tall never really happened, but the agent thing did. Except instead of an agent, the cheetah Therian became even more badass. He became a TIN operative. 

So he helped the hot jaguar Therian’s team, joined them on their adventures while he traveled the world being a kickass spy, and then one day… BAM! He got shot. It sucked. The jaguar Therian thought the cheetah Therian needed looking after–whatever, he didn’t–so he assigned another THIRDS agent to watch after the kickass cheetah Therian spy. 

In came a bigger dude–I mean, what the fuck are they feeding these guys?! Anyway, the little cheetah Therian met a bear Therian who was suspiciously… nice. Like really nice. It was weird. The little cheetah Therian didn’t know what to make of this guy. Like, he made tea and shit for the injured cheetah Therian, and played cards with him, and held him, though the cheetah Therian doesn’t remember that part. Hey, this is my story, so shut your piehole. 

The cheetah Therian got all weird about this bear Therian but kept bumping into him. After a long time had passed. Yeah, okay. Feelings and shit had to be worked out, and the cheetah Therian wasn’t great at the whole lovey-dovey stuff. More stuff happened, blah blah, read the file, and the little cheetah Therian ended up falling in love with the bear Therian, and because he was a sap and wanted to, you know, be with the guy, he hung up his spy stuff and did the unthinkable. 

He agreed to be a TIN handler. 

But wait, it got better. He became a TIN handler for the sexy jaguar Therian.

And it got worse.

He became a TIN handler for the jaguar Therian’s crazy as fuck husband. This guy… The cheetah Therian didn’t even know how to put it into words. So the pain in the ass operative was codenamed Chaos, which the cheetan Therian still believes doesn’t quite capture the operative. What’s more chaotic than chaos? The cheetah Therian became the youngest handler with the most gray hairs at TIN. 

Would he do it again? Yes. In a heartbeat. Because the little cheetah Therian loves his big bear Therian more than anything in the world and wants him to be happy. And he swears that if the bear Therian’s mother knits him another fucking sweater to wear over the holidays, the little cheetah Therian is going to cut a bitch. 

Yeah, all right, he’s going to wear it. But he’s going to be grumpy about it!

The end.  


Austen Payne
AKA Chibi Cheetah
AKA Cheetah Sweetcheeks
AKA You can thank Dexter J. Daley for that match. You’re welcome.

How do you flip someone off on this thing?

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