Name: Dexter J. Daley
Subject: Capra hircus Conspiracy.
What is a Capra hircus, you ask? It’s the evil that shall not be named. It has four hooves, horns, and a vortex of evil for eyes. You know what I’m talking about. They lull you into a false sense of security by sending out their tiny spawns first. They hop around and wag their little tails. They seem innocent enough. After all, they’re only tall enough to chew on your shoelaces or pant cuffs. Most people think the tiny demons are adorable, but that’s only because the mini demon hasn’t grown into its full evil. Baby spawns are how they slowly take over the world.
Don’t believe me? They started with the internet, acting all innocent in videos, wearing pajamas to cast their spells. Then they snuck into yoga. By this point, they’ve already got people doing their bidding. Then come the screaming demons. Have you ever heard a screaming Capra hircus? It is freaking terrifying. Like, what the ever-loving heck? Oh, you think it’s funny? Let me tell you a little story.
One day I’m at work after a very grueling and perilous mission. You know, saving the world and whatnot. As I do. Often. Always save the world this, and stop the bad guy that. Anyway, I have some downtime and decide that I’m going to stream a movie. I open my laptop, and instead of the usual ding, a horrifying scream scares me off the couch I’m sitting on. Literally, I’m scared off the cushions and onto the floor. Suffice it to say, I no longer trust Keane around my devices and always make Sloane turn on my laptop and inspect it to make sure it’s goat-free.
Sarah Connor tried to warn us about Skynet. I’m here to warn you about Goatnet. Heed my warning, lest we end up dooming humanity. Heed. Heeeeed. Why aren’t you heeding?! Well, heed harder!
Dexter J. Daley
AKA Champion of Cheeses.
AKA Defender from Demon Spawn. Avoid Goatnet.