Name: Dexter J. Daley
Subject: Burrito Bandit
Consider this a public service announcement. The other day, Keane asked me about an incident involving Hudson. Let me tell you a thing or two about our supposed sweet doc. He’s a thief. I heard that gasp. You don’t believe me. “But he’s so cute and sweet and British!” That may be true, but Hudson is also a wolf Therian. And as I have learned over the years, wolf Therians have certain… habits. Bad habits. Stealing-people’s-shit habits.
This particular incident was years ago, though I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a pretty traumatizing experience. We’d been after these assnuggets for weeks, and that day we finally caught up to them. I was stuck in the BearCat for hours with nothing to eat because someone who shall remain nameless but is a grumpy asshole, shoved me into the truck before I could grab my backup snacks.
So six hours of surveillance, in a truck filled with smelly, cranky ass dudes, and Hudson. I am starving because Ash is an asshole. Whoops. Guess he’s nameless no more. Anyway, the guys come out of hiding, and we need backup. Some of the team shifts into their Therian form, insert action sequence here, bad guys regret their life choices. Just another day at the THIRDS. Wonderful.
I was so excited. Not because we’d finally caught these guys, but because behind their hideout was Nacho Daddy, the best burrito joint in the Bronx. I got my happy ass over there so fast that I probably merged with the Speed Force. It was like Christmas, my birthday, and my wedding day, all wrapped into one ethereal burrito.
What is the ChimiJenga? It is a brick-sized burrito stacked with glorious, mouthwatering ingredients. So there I stood on the sidewalk with my ChimiJenga, one end unwrapped and ready for me to take a huge bite out of, when suddenly there’s a sharp breeze, a blur of gray, and empty hands.
My beautiful burrito is gone.
I look over and see Hudson with my burrito in his mouth. Naturally, I am a paragon of politeness and demand he give back my burrito, at which the little bastard tries to swallow it, wrapper and all!
So naturally, as any guy would do in this situation, I lunged at him and wrestled him to the ground. Would you believe he wouldn’t drop it? It was my burrito! And what did the asshats that are my teammates do? My familia? They laugh! And record the whole thing.
This story has a tragic end, for I lost my precious burrito that day to the jaws of a thieving wolf Therian. We don’t talk about that day. We both feel too much shame. Him for stealing it and pretty much swallowing it whole, and me for not being able to save my ChimiJenga.
Let this be a warning to you all. Hide your burritos from wolf Therians.
Dexter J. Daley.
AKA It Was Still In The Wrapper!
AKA Agents Against Wolf Therians Eating and Stealing Their Shit!